It was a perfect storm: The anniversary of the end of my pregnancy and marriage. PMS. The veterinarian telling me my dog had maybe a week to live. An out-of-town teaching engagement bookended by two intensely demanding weeks at work. Because the greater hell would be to lose my dog while away than to lose my reputation, I cancelled the … Read More
Real healing begins when you release the armor of blame
You have a story of your marriage and how it has led you to divorce. He said, you said; he did, you did. It’s fixed, immutable. The wrongs, hurts, disappointments—all locked down in the deepest chambers of your heart. Of course, you can’t change what’s happened. But you can change the stories you tell yourself. And this has unbelievable power … Read More
Unbearable Lightness of Being (Single)
I was headed to the food carts downtown at work. As I walked passed the shoe shop’s great window bank, I was surprised by the experience of my own reflection. There was my familiar and friendly face, well worn, rising up out of my giant, gray scarf knotted beneath my chin. I looked so…complete. I had my $5 and I … Read More
Let being excluded turn your attention to where you are included
Joli and I were poets in New York together in our early 20’s, and now we are middle-aged single moms who went through our divorces in parallel, each from our own coast. Once upon a time, we would talk about what Joli thought Derrida meant when he said such-and-such, or what I thought about why her boyfriend gave her headaches—the … Read More
Sleeping Beside my Son
Two years after Pete’s place in the bed opens up, Teddy occasionally wanders in to fill it. Pursued by monsters or dragons in his dreams, my child who prefers to sleep alone will accept co-sleeping in self-defense. I am intrigued by the genius of DNA as I watch him move through an exact replica of his father’s sleep pattern rotation. … Read More
Sweet Darkness
— David Whyte When your eyes are tired the world is tired also. When your vision has gone no part of the world can find you. Time to go into the dark where the night has eyes to recognize its own. There you can be sure you are not beyond love. The dark will be your womb tonight. The night … Read More
Make a love project
A year and a half into my divorce, I took a job at an ad agency after working for myself, from home, for 15 years. This required shoehorning my life into the conflicting timing requirements of my workday and my son’s preschool. Pete and I worked out a delicate dance that involved me showing up at his place with Teddy … Read More
Regulate your biorhythm
One of the most jarring dimensions of co-parenting is the irregularity of our biorhythm. And it’s one of the most challenging to resolve. From day to day or week to week, we have different combinations of people coming and going from our home. This can effect everything from our sleep to our daily schedules to our ability to allocate resources … Read More
Give Yourself Breathing Room
My mother never let me go to sleep wearing a Band-Aid. She insisted a wound needed to breathe to heal best. I have found the same to be true in my emotional life. For years, I’ve been field testing the idea that when you fixate on the problem, you lock it in—therefore limiting air circulation and healing. I’ve noticed that … Read More
