You have a story of your marriage and how it has led you to divorce. He said, you said; he did, you did. It’s fixed, immutable. The wrongs, hurts, disappointments—all locked down in the deepest chambers of your heart.

Of course, you can’t change what’s happened. But you can change the stories you tell yourself. And this has unbelievable power to take the fuse out of what is explosive, take the blame out of what is unforgiven, and rewire your entire nervous system—such that you are no longer controlled by a misery that you have outlived.

Yes, it was unfair. It was horrible. He is and always was and may always be [fill in explicative here].

And, today you have a wonderful life to re-imagine as a single woman and as a mother. How can you start telling yourself new stories about what has happened that give you hope for the future and authority over your past? What are the gifts this union has brought you and your children? How can you let him be whoever he is today, whoever he was then, without this being personal to you?

When you are willing to let down the armor of blame, that’s when the true healing can begin. You may be surprised to find that your heart is starved for a kind story about the man you once loved—and may always love. That, in fact, you need to embrace where you have been with deep gratitude—no matter how much it has cost you—as rite of passage toward your unfolding.

You’re writing the story now. You get to choose the lens through which what happens will be lived.