I took three years to heal from my marriage. I did not date or hook up. One unexpected kiss arrived in the way that a tree falls through a roof. I repaired the roof and moved on.

I dove deep into healing the patterns that created unhappiness in my marriage. It seemed like a matter of life and death for me to yank that taproot out of me—the one that chose men who were in no position to truly meet or satisfy me. I was convinced that never again would such a man even register on my recalibrated radar.

Was I ever wrong.

In fact, the exact opposite happened. I was served up one of each of my three most compellingly inappropriate archetypes. Each time, I bit. But each time I bit less hard, and for a shorter duration. The first attempt at dating took nine months to work through, and the next two were a matter of a few dates each.

I discovered in the process that it was far kinder to myself and more realistic to think about the men who appealed to me as practice. It was fine if my heart leapt for men I knew better than to date. But what happened next was up to me. If I was going to conquer my blind spots, I was going to have to bumble about getting familiar with them first. The same may be true for you.

Whenever you’re ready to get back out there again, pay attention to the people who appeal to you and the people you choose. Understand that you will be tested, and that it’s ok if you don’t get it right on the first try. Sometimes making the choices that lead to happiness takes more practice than we expect.